So, in what may be one of the most accidentally reasonable things to ever tumble out of Donald Trump’s mouth, he suggested in a Cabinet meeting Thursday that undocumented workers—yes, the same ones picking your damn produce and scrubbing your hotel bathtubs—could be allowed to leave the country and then come back legally, as long as their employers vouch for them.
And you know what? That’s not the worst idea he’s ever had. In fact, it’s so close to being a decent immigration policy, you can practically feel the tip of common sense brushing up against it. But in typical Trump fashion, just when it looks like he might do something halfway logical… he pulls out. Too early. No finish. No climax. Just an awkward mess and everybody left unsatisfied.
Let’s be real: why the hell are we wasting taxpayer money, time, and bureaucratic boners on deporting people who are already here, already working, and already vital to industries that would collapse faster than Trump’s spray tan in the rain without them? Agriculture, hospitality, food service—these folks are grinding harder than half the population in any given OnlyFans DMs, and they’re doing it for crap pay, zero benefits, and constant fear of being booted out.
And now Trump wants to play border striptease—send them out, make them shimmy back in through the front door, all for show? That’s not immigration policy; that’s just a weird kink.
Here’s the actual solution: if a farm, hotel, restaurant, or whatever business wants to vouch for their worker—let them. No deportation prelude, no immigration cosplay. Just give the workers status, give them rights, and let them keep doing what they’re doing. Simple. Efficient. No bullshit.
But no, instead we get this limp half-measure that still hinges on the same old obsession with “kicking them out” first. It’s like lighting your house on fire just to appreciate how much you liked the couch.
So yeah, Donnie, you were this close. But like always, you fumbled it. Could’ve been smart, humane, and economically badass. Instead, you turned it into another performative stroke job for your base.
Let the workers stay. Let them work. Let them live. And maybe next time, finish the damn thought before it all goes soft.
—Tina, Your Politically Horny, Bullshit-Weary Columnist
