This post is 90% satire, 10% truth, and 100% fueled by vibes. Don’t get mad—get drafted.
Ah, the NFL Draft. That magical night where dreams come true, tears flow, and some GM inevitably drafts a long snapper from a community college in Round 2 because “he’s a culture fit.” But let’s cut the crap—tonight isn’t just about football. It’s about the real scouting: which of these future millionaires is about to be spotted with a girlfriend so hot she could melt the turf at Lambeau Field.
And look, we’re not here to shame. We’re here to celebrate, speculate wildly, and evaluate potential WAGs based on regional heritage, player drip, and pure vibes. You’re welcome, America.
🥇 1. Cam W., QB, Miami
Girlfriend Rating: 12/10 — Absolute Black Queen Energy
Cam is HIM. Smooth, confident, slings the rock like he’s been doing it since birth. You just know this man is pulling a woman who looks like a cross between Beyoncé, Rihanna. But unfortunately I’ve already seen photos of his actual girlfriend and she’s an absolute queen – way to go Cam. So I’ll just give him the #1 spot since we don’t need to guess.
But if we were guessing—Miami? Cultural melting pot of fine women, spicy food, and ass for days. Cam’s been thriving.
🥈 2. Colston L., TE, Michigan
Girlfriend Rating: 10/10 — Scandinavian Goddess Incoming
This dude played in Ann Arbor, aka Vikingville, USA. You ever walk through a Michigan sorority row? It’s all blondes with family trees that trace back to fjords and longships. You already know Colston’s got a statuesque Norwegian dimepiece who grew up ice skating, eats raw salmon by choice, and calls her grandma “mormor.” She’s 6’0”, built like a Nike ad, and casually dominates in CrossFit for fun.
🥉 3. Tyler W., TE, Penn State
Girlfriend Rating: 9.5/10 — Pennsylvania Dutch Deluxe
Penn State? Oh, you know Tyler’s been knee-deep in girls named Hannah with perfect white teeth and parents who still churn butter on weekends. His girl has Amish-lite roots, bakes a damn good apple pie, and could out-squat you in Lululemon leggings. Plus, she’s probably got that weird, old-money East Coast hotness. She wears pearls unironically.
4. Jalon W., Edge, Georgia
Girlfriend Rating: 9/10 — Southern Belle Built Like a Benz
Jalon’s been sacking QBs in the South for years. Which means his girlfriend is almost definitely a Georgia Peach with curves like a NASCAR track, a church hat game that goes hard, and a booty that makes the Lord reconsider his creation limits. She calls everyone “sweetheart” and could throw hands if another chick so much as breathes Cam’s name too hard.
5. Ashton J., RB, Boise State
Girlfriend Rating: 8.8/10 — Idaho Baddie with Mountain Girl Thighs
Ashton’s out there in Boise, and while you might think potato farms and lumberjacks, don’t sleep on them Western girls. They ride horses, lift hay bales, and probably have Instagram handles like @Ashlyn.Rose.fit. His girl is thick, blonde, and could field-dress a deer while keeping her lashes intact. She definitely owns a gun and can deadlift you.
6. Mykel W., Edge, Georgia
Girlfriend Rating: 8.5/10 — Another Southern Stunner, but Dark Horse Vibes
Mykel’s low-key. The quiet killer. His girl is the type that doesn’t post much, but when she does, everyone loses their damn minds. Think melanin, magic, and mystery. She doesn’t need attention—she is attention. Probably a med student with 4c curls and eyes that could pierce armor.
7. Armand M., OT, Missouri
Girlfriend Rating: 7.5/10 — Midwest Ride-Or-Die
Big lineman energy. Armand’s probably pulling a Midwest baddie who’s loyal, low-drama, and bakes those cookies with the frosting that looks like it was sprayed on by God. She’s 5’3″, got hips like a country song, and supports every single dream he’s ever had. She’s been rocking with him since he was 290 lbs in high school—and she never left.
Final Verdict: Cam W. takes the crown tonight. Not just for being QB1 with swag, but for landing a goddess who will roast you, love you, and outdress your mom at church—all while rocking a custom #1 draft night fit. Bless this union.
In Conclusion: The draft’s about football, sure. But it’s also about future power couples, hallway PDA at training camps, and hot girls making millions of dudes scream “HOW?!” at their TVs. Here’s to love, lust, and 40-yard dashes.
Now pass the wings, grab a drink, and let’s watch these boys become men… and immediately get outclassed by their girlfriends. 🍻